Ask Annabelle

He is afraid of being hurt

AnnabelleStevenson — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Dear Annabelle:

Well I met this guy at work, and we have been dating for the last 7 week-ends, anyway, 2 weeks ago he said he was ‘afraid of being hurt, or hurting someone’.

And he was ‘scared of how he felt for me and my kids’.

He said it was ‘too soon for him to feel the way he does.

We are both divorced after several years of marriage, his kids are grown and mine are teenagers.

Anyway, we were not all that serious then, (most we had done was kiss), and he told me he would love to take me home to his bed, but he couldn't.

Then he said, ‘I dunno what I want, or if I will ever get married again.

I'm not ready for a relationship’. So I asked him if he wanted me to back off, he said,"No, yes, no well maybe a little bit."

So last week-end we never saw each other, and last night when I was at his house, when I left I didn't even get a kiss good night, and it was like he was nervous and trying to stay away from me when I left, but he walked me to my car.

And said, "I'll call you Monday or Tuesday, and let’s do something next week-end."

So here I sit and wonder, what am I supposed to do??? Should I walk away? Should I hang in there and wait ‘til he is ready?

Or should I push him? Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention he also had a bad relationship of 4 months that hurt him bad, just 2 months before we started dating. So any words of wisdom would be priceless to me.

Thanks.

Jacque, 38

Dear Jacque....

You’re 38.....what do you want with one more kid?

This guy is one of the ‘walking wounded’.... and any time you hear that ‘I’m afraid of.........’ (line), get thee out of there.

You’re not the designated ‘nurse person’, are you?

Seriously, don’t let him hook into your ‘here, let me help you, you poor dear’ self.

You’re a grown women.... find yourself a grown man......unless, of course, this IS your idea of a grown man.

Annabelle

Annabelle has NOT 'disappeared'

AnnabelleStevenson — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Ingenio and Keen are very careful (thank heavens!) and someone (new) found a warning I had placed on my home page (against those who would/do call up and be vile) to be objectionable.

Since, to me, words that are direct and descriptive of what I will NOT allow are the best way of dealing forcefully with those who would be/have been churlish, I used words that are no longer allowable on Keen or on Ingenio.

That sentence has now been removed and I am awaiting reinstatement by Keen and by Ingenio.

If anyone cares to write to the service on my behalf, that would be lovely too and may move the process along faster, (and I do thank you :)

Please don't lose heart... all will be well again.

I'm sure that no ill intent is afoot and that the listings will, soon, be up and running again :)

Annabelle

40 & lack of interest

AnnabelleStevenson — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Dear Annabelle:

What should I do?

Sandy, 40

Dear Sandy....

If these two statements are the sum total of how you see yourself, then it’s my very strong suggestion that you get yourself to your physician for a complete physical, including a workup with a psychiatrist for a possible diagnosis of ongoing depression..... (for which there are, by the way, wonderful and very effective treatments these days.)

It’s no fun going thorough life in shades of gray.

Taking action on your own behalf can bring out the sunshine in your life.... and get you moving forward again.

Annabelle

He has a problem with cocaine

AnnabelleStevenson — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Dear Annabelle,

I've been seeing an old flame for about the past two years.

He was married at the time and is now going through a difficult divorce (with 2 children involved.)

I'm very understanding of his situation, but the way things have played out have made him numb in the emotional department.

I know he's afraid of being hurt and I know he loves me.

I'm afraid she's gonna make him so afraid to be hurt that he'll never be able to give his heart to me completely.

I've been very supportive and I want to know what I should do to make him feel secure and make him understand that the hurt he's feeling now will pass with time.

Also, I feel like maybe she's driving him over the edge. He had a brief problem during his marriage with cocaine and now he's occasionally reverting to his old habits on the weekends.

He knows he shouldn't, but he has what I guess you'd call ‘an addictive personality’.

How can I help him save his sanity and get through all this?

I've been very patient and I don't know what else to do. I just feel like he's running away from me, maybe because he's afraid to love again.

Is this possible? Please help me!!! I feel so lost and I can't bear to lose this love we have.

Sincerely,

Melissa, 20

Dear Melissa.....

Because this answer is REALLY important, I’m going to keep it REALLY short.

If you get involved with this person, you are not caring about yourself.

He has already chosen a mistress. *It’s not you*... it’s cocaine.

There is *N-O-T-H-I-N-G* that you can do to change this..... and *you will lose yourself if you try*.

Go to a Narc Anon meeting. Listen to the others cry out their hearts, .....saying exactly what you have just told me.

And, for what it's worth... NEVER have ANYTHING to do with any male who's 'afraid of being hurt'. That's not only a feminine line it's the mark of a male who can't make it in Life. Life isn't for sissies... nor for those who self medicate and don't/won't put the best interests of their children before themselves.

Annabelle

Confused or crazy?

AnnabelleStevenson — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 15:26:00 GMT

Dear Annabelle:

My husband has written you several times about me so I thought maybe I could help our situation by writing to you as well....I'm the 27 year old, married female that thinks she may be a lesbian after more than 5 years of marriage.

In my quest for the truth, I seem to be hurting everyone involved and am thinking maybe it's best if I just cut everyone concerned in this situation loose to keep from hurting them more.

I hate all that I've done to my husband but I'm just not sure if I'm on the right track with all this and he's trying to give me the space and time I need but this is so unfair to him.

Should I tell him to get on with his life and risk losing him forever or let him keep hoping and hanging on until I know what the hell is going on inside my crazy head?

He's being patient because he wants me to stay with him but I don't want to make a quick decision and then hurt him all over again in the future.

He says he'd rather deal with it that way because at least now he has "heads up" on the situation.

That just doesn't seem fair to anyone, especially him...what should I do???????

Michelle, 27

Dear Michelle...

I’m going to be real straight up with you on this.

YOU married this man. YOU made a promise...... before God and the community.

Life isn’t about YOU any more, it’s about the TWO of you.... as a team, and as a unit.

Your ‘quest for the truth’ is beside the point..... at 27 your quest for/commitment to honor and integrity IS the point.

Once you married, life quit being about YOU....... period.... and became about you AND him, as a married couple.

You’re not being ‘crazy’, you’re being selfish, self centered, and destructive.

If you weren’t ‘sure of who you were’.... then marriage wasn’t the step to have taken.

You chose to marry.... now you honor that choice.... and play on the team that you signed up with.

To do less dishonors everyone all around. Get over it. Period.

Annabelle

Who IS 'Annabelle'??

AnnabelleStevenson — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 14:24:00 GMT

Hello Annabelle,

Call it a matter of curiosity or trust or whatever, but I would like to know about your qualifications to disseminate advice. I know that your site states that you have a doctorate in psychology, but I need to know where I can cross-reference this information, i.e. what graduate school did you go to?

Or simpler yet, to establish credibility - how about your full name?

I know, perhaps you might claim that I have issues with trust, but I think you would agree that it is not too much to ask of person who says they are qualified to give advice, to at least verify some of there qualifications.

Would you be willing to share this information with me?

Just Wondering,

Rob

Rob.....

Ingenio has taken the guesswork out of this for you (for all of us with advanced degrees are thoroughly checked out before we’re allowed to put those letters after our names). I graduated both from UCLA and from the California Graduate Institute.

The blog is not so much advice, it is more dissemination of what I consider to be important information, personal opinion, general nagging and whatever else may seem of use.

The concepts themselves are often lofty, complicated and convoluted, but they can, in many cases, be translated into ‘street talk’ and I have never thought it necessary to feel ‘above’ anyone or to seem ‘more than’ just because I earned a doctorate. We all live in the same world and sharing the decoding of life’s mysteries, pains and pleasures seems a decent thing to do.

The blog serves as something of an ‘interpreter’ between what seems obscure, and the real world in which we must all live.

This is more along the idea of introducing folk to a way of thinking that may not have occurred to them and to allow someone to, possibly, see another way of approaching a difficulty.... sort of crossing theorists, Freud, Jung, Klein, Horney, Erikson, Wittgenstein, Bion, Hedges, and others, with a touch of Bombeck, et al.

It can be seen as a way of allowing someone, who is ‘standing on a railroad track and squarely in the path of an onrushing train’, to realize that they ARE ON said ‘railroad track’.... and that light that they are seeing IS, indeed, a ‘train’ and, if they don’t step OFF said track they are, once again, going to get ‘run over.’....and why.

It’s about the discussion of possible choices.

People get into difficulties that have, for the most part, understandable patterns to them and they can, more often than they realize, (through better understanding of their part in their own lives), begin to make different decisions that will, by the very nature of decision making and action taking, make a very big difference in how they are experiencing existence.

No, no one ‘died and left me in charge’...... this blog is what it is.... my, often, never-to-be-humble-opinion. I’m sure that I will, sometimes, say things that are just really, well, dumb.

I prefer to remain, more or less, anonymous because my private life is just that, private. The blog is not 'about me', but about ideas and about stimulating new thoughts and understanding in others..... and, (it’s my hope), .....sparking resolve... to make better choices.

If you were to read all 5000 letters in the AskAnnabelle archive, you would, over time find out 'who I am' for the answers are, of necessity, a reflection of my self and my outlook on the world and it's workings.

I'm of the opinion that readers may, or may not, find the information useful and new ways of looking at things may, or may not, be of interest or have validity for any one, particular, person.

That someone uses what I have to say is up to that person. All questions are answered.... what someone then does with that information is up to them. Am I always right? Good heavens, no.

If I’ve been writing just after having downed one of Ben & Jerry’s lethal chocolate delights I may be over stimulated and silly.... at other times I may just feel stupid.... and, at other times cranky.

Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s like slogging through glue.... but always, I take it seriously because the folk who have taken the time to write deserve respect.... and some of their pain is palpable.

Your life is your own.... and to take someone else's ideas as gospel is not nearly as useful as observing a new possibility as a way of dealing with an ongoing difficulty.

Knowing who someone else 'is' is not nearly as useful as learning who you are....... for the lens of your life is filtered and focused through those experiences.

Finding modifiers to your filter is part of your journey.... and the direction of that journey, as are the adventures along the way, is up to you.

Annabelle

I feel very lonely

AnnabelleStevenson — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 13:48:00 GMT

Dear Annabelle:

I feel very lonely and my boyfriend broke up with me.

He got involved with much younger girlfriend but sometimes he still calling me, (probably he feels "guilty").

Do you think there is the way that he will returned to me?

Liliya

Dear Liliya.....

It’s hard to say what will happen, though it’s pretty much a ‘rule of thumb’ that whatever broke up the relationship in the first place will, likely, do so again.

Unless one, or both, of you makes a change in your behavior, and in your communication styles to improve your attachment to the relationship, it’s still unstable.

Keep in mind that, should YOU be more invested in the relationship than he is.... that would still be an unstable equation.

You’re only 33...... and there are a LOT of fish in the sea.

Pursuing one who’s elusive only prolongs your singlehood.... and may, in fact, be replicating your childhood relationship with your father.

I don’t know that he feels ‘guilty’.... he may be wanting to swim under more than one dock.

Annabelle

....but I LIKE him!

AnnabelleStevenson — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 04:31:00 GMT

Ali

Female-34

Dear Annabelle:

A friend of mine gave her friend my phone #, she thought we would hit if off, he called me morning, noon and night and seemed quite interested.

We met last Saturday, at 9:00 PM we left the restaurant and we each got into our cars to go home. I knew that he had found me attractive.

He called me on my cell phone to tell me that he ‘didn’t want the date to end’. I told him I was tired & that we could make it another day.

I also disconnected my phone when I got home so I could get some sleep, he called & my phone was busy.

He continued calling me so I didn’t think it had bothered him, I also told him that I should have invited him to my house instead of each going home so early.

On Thursday he didn’t call me at all and on Friday morning he left me a message on my cell phone, saying that he was sorry for not calling me the day before that he was home & to call him.

I did call him at home there was no answer I called his cell phone left him a message, but he never returned my call, and I haven’t heard from him since.

My friend says that he's a bit conceited and that he was hurt when his ex wife cheated on him, so he doesn’t have a very good opinion of most women.

deep down I know if he really liked me he would call me back like he did for so many days, but I like him & would like to know what I can do, if anything.

Thank you....

Ali

Dear Ali......

Yes, thank your lucky stars that he’s disappeared.

If you had a couple of years I could educate you about this personality type and this particular (not at all unusual) behavior.

Don’t even BEGIN to think ‘it’s your fault’....... trust me, you got off darned lucky.

This guy is...... weird. ('Weird', technical term.)

(He’s what’s known as a ‘broken personality’ ..... and that’s under the ‘non fixable’ category. P-E-R-I-O-D.)

Annabelle

Crazy in Cincinnati

AnnabelleStevenson — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:11:00 GMT

From: Stephy

Dear Annabelle:

Please, please help me. I have been attracted to a man at my local gym for about 3 1/2 months. I know he is also attracted to me, we've been playing eye tag for about as many months.

One day, we left the gym at roughly the same time and his car was parked next to mine. I've never seen someone try to leave so quickly, it was obvious he wasn't ready to speak to me yet. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

The next time we saw each other he gave me such a look of "sorry, I didn't mean to be such a jerk", which made me feel good, but since then he hasn't taken the initiative to speak with me. My father died a few weeks ago and I had to leave town. When I came back, my gym dude was nowhere to be seen and he's been gone now for almost three weeks.

What did I do wrong?! I can see that this man is really shy and I never meant to pressure him into a situation he wasn't ready for. What should I do? I have never been so attracted to someone before, (in fact, I saw him three years ago and still had the same heart-pounding reaction), and am very reluctant to just "let it go".

He seems to be lonely, maybe it's for a good reason but how can I know unless we get to know each other? I'm afraid if I try to approach him again he'll run away again. Male behavior is so confusing, please fill me in.

Stephy

Dear Stephy....

One of the cardinal rules of life is to not make yourself crazy over ‘what ifs’. You don’t tell me how old you are, but there are LOTS of reasons you’re having the heart pounding bit over this guy.... and that he’s not responding. Remember, some of the most deliciously visually delightful guys who frequent gyms are already taken.... by other guys.

That may not be the case with THIS fellow.... though his fast getaway at an opportune moment bespeaks less than a hearty interest in the fair form that you’ve been working so hard to acquire and maintain!

YOU did nothing ‘wrong’, and that you are feeling the need for loving male companionship is very understandable, but I’d cut yourself some slack on this one. Guys who are interested in ladies have very definite ways of letting those women know... in no uncertain terms, of their interest.

Look at this this way.... he’s had LOTS of opportunities to see you at your panting best... and, at the first good chance to make contact... he beat a hasty retreat.

YOU do the math.

Annabelle

Love Hurts (is it supposed to?)

AnnabelleStevenson — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:34:00 GMT

Kristine
female age 20

Dear Annabelle:

Why is it that my boyfriend is only really nice to me when he wants something?

He's not a bad guy, but he's just overly nice when he wants something.

Kristine

Dear Kristine.....

There are a couple of possible answers to this, see which best fits your situation.

There is a particularly insidious personality type who’s motto could certainly be, “I’m always nice to people, especially in the 6 months just before I need them.” Kristine, if THAT sort of thing is a possibility, well, head him for the political arena, (and YOU get the heck out of there.)

Another possibility, is that he’s just one of the ‘little boys’ who learned to charm mommy and his school teachers when he needed to GET something and never developed empathy, (the understanding of others feelings and of how he impacts on them). At 20, his personality is pretty much fixed, so if you’re finding this disturbing or distressing, then take a really GOOD look at what you’ve got..... because what you’ve got NOW....is who he is.

If this is not your idea of the ideal guy, well realize that you are still in that enviable position of being able to go back to the ‘guy store’ and of finding someone who is more suitable.

Please hear THIS part... it's very important: Even if you SAY something to him, and he makes a modification in his behavior, absent some trauma, to HIM, (that makes him change his ways) .......for good..... it’s all too likely that he will ‘revert to type’ within 6 months. Look at what you’ve got NOW....... because THIS is who he ‘is’.

Best to make the decisions about how you’re going to spend your future BEFORE any long term plans are made. Yes, I KNOW that ‘love (sometimes) hurts’...... but it can hurt a good deal more if you mistake your FEELINGS for reality. You CAN learn to recognize what is not ‘good’ for you... and you can learn to avoid it.

Being of the opinion that love is SUPPOSED to ‘hurt’ can lead you seriously astray.

You are getting what you are willing to put UP with..... you can have better..... but you need to realize that you are allowing this situation to exist, only because he is ‘hooking into’ something, from your past, that is allowing you to FEEL (as if this is) love.... when you are not BEING TREATED in a loving manner.

You have the power to become ‘conscious’ in your own life... and to take steps to move yourself to emotional safety..... and greater happiness with someone who treats you well ALL of the time.

A book I recommend is: '10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives'. You will learn to free yourself from harm and to move to achieve the great pleasure of becoming your best self.

Annabelle